" i'm so sorry"
Dropping out of school because i couldn't keep up with my grades, staying out all night and after school working two jobs to pay rent and bills while mom was having an affair with my uncle and dad was too drunk angry and sad to do anything. So the one who gets things done in the house was well...me. I ended up losing touch with all my friends, because all my friends were from my high school. I was never the type of chick who had a "squad" or a best friend. It was mainly a group of the same people that i use to see everyday as my social cohorts. Well it was no surprise because i usually spent my time ditching them for my boyfriend.
How me and my boyfriend started was well....he had issues at the time when we were both 15 and a half. His name was Shawn, he was tall, dark and for a 15 year old, strikingly handsome. He always had a serious look on his face and he never really smiled even though he was sorta laughing with his friends, Thomas and Brady, always putting a light chuckle here and there.
There was one evening afterschool when i was buying a snacks from our local convenience store, i caught him petting and feeding a stray cat. I'll admit that at that time he was quite the looker and all the girls would always whisper about him, I've developed a slight crush on him too. He was pretty popular among us Freshmen, despite being really quiet and usually kept to himself all the time. To my surprise he would open up to this dirty kitten and tell the cat his life problems
"*sigh* mom is depending on me to be the breadwinner of the house after dad died"
"Wanting to go to a Gaming School, but Family wants me to be an Engineer"
"Failing an exam today"
I've felt so honored with this information, that despite being a stalker from afar and this kid knows nothing of my existence, i can feel we've gotten significantly closer together in terms not in relationship terms but our connection wise. I usually sit on a bench nearby to where he usually sits and pretend to listen to my music when in reality I was eavesdropping on his meetings with his stray kitty. I did this everyday for a month. There was one evening when I've stumbled upon the kitty alone. I looked at the time, same time, same place, no Shawn in sight. Disappointed, i sighed but then took this opportunity to feed the cat myself. I bought some chicken legs, now that the cat is no longer a kitten.
"He usually likes fish"
Stunned, he takes from my hand the chicken leg i had and started breaking it into pieces.
"Ummm...what's his name?" I asked. And from there, we become acquainted and started meeting up everyday after school in front of the convenience store.
I told him my name, Kaine Bradshaw. Slowly, he opened up to me...about like everything. After his father died, Shawn and his mom moved to his mom's sister's place where Shawn gets in to fights with his cousin, Cole, every day when they both come home from school
So that's why he goes out of the house until Cole leaves to his friend's house who lives next door and comes back only until really late or sleeps over. So whenever Cole isn't around, Shawn is at home either doing homework or gaming online on the pc.
Eventually, my then best buds got me to accidentally say that I liked him, losing a friend in the process because she liked him too. That's one walker buddy to school gone. He didn't say yes right away, but later in the day he asked me out on a date. And thats how the love train started. Over the 2 years that we've been dating, i usually went over to his place. I've kept it a secret from my parents because i wasn't allowed to get a boyfriend. Well technically, my mom wouldn't care, she would be supportive while my dad would be the overprotective one, being daddy's little girl.
My parents eventually figured it out when my friends spilled the beans to them that their Kainie has a special someone as an after school special. To my surprise, it got both of them in an uplifted mood in contrast to them constantly fighting. It was delightful for a change. I admitted to him that i go to the convenience store and buy snacks as an excuse to escape from their fighting amd arguing at home. They got me to invited him to our house and they accepted him, bonus points for him being a total hottie.
Over the weeks it went from meeting up after school and the store to eventually my dad trusted him enough for me to hang out at Shawn's place. The first time I went, I almost got hit on from his cousin, but then Shawn manned up and grew some balls and told him off, getting a huge purple blue bruise on his face to prove it.
I was there for him wheneve he cried from still grieving the loss of his father passing away so early from a heart attack. I hold on to him like everything was going to be okay.
His cousin, Cole stopped being domestically and mentally abusive of him, but tried to convince him to do drugs. He resisted drugs because of me.
Cole eventually went to the hospital over a drug overdose and swore off drugs since then. Once discharged from the hospital, He became a spokesperson for an antidrug campaign. A total goodie-two shoes who encourages Shawn to follow his dreams and do well in school as long as his cousin doesn't do drugs. I supported him even though he got kicked out of the house when he announced to his mom that he quit engineering school to be a video game developer. I didn't told my parents this piece of information, not wanting to make Shawn look bad. We both experimented smoking although I almost got addicted, he stopped immediately and had me go through therapy to stop smoking. I've hung out with Shawn so much and with their fighting, they don't even notice me gone.
Both of our group of friends, he really only had two, merged and his friends became my friends and vice versa. I have become known as the friend who has"no-life outside of Shawn" meaning the person who thinks her friends are non-existent the minute she dates, but they still hung out with us anyway at school. I didn't care of what they said, I was in love.
One day, things got really bad in the house once me and Shawn walked to my place with my mom and dad shouting at each other with my dad throwing my mom's clothes out on our lawn saying she was cheating on him. He felt bad that he got me to sleepover at his place. It was my first time sleeping over at his place in the 6 months of being offi
official together. It was also the night thaI I lost my virginity.
When i came back home i came to confess to my parents that I slept at Shawn's. Upon our arrival it was just my dad sitting at the kitchen table with his hands covering his head, my dad said he didn't care. As much as they both wanted a divorce, they both couldn't afford it so they were stuck with each other. My mom wasn't home that night. Almost every night for that matter, she was rarely seen in the house. My pillar of strength during these times was Shawn. I eventually got a job that Shawn got me into at a local cafe after school. It saddened me thay i didn't get to see Shawn as much, but we really needed it to pay the bills since my dad became depressed and hasn't always been going to work like he usually does. Plus, mom has been spending money like crazy.
It was the last straw when one day when I came home with my dad with three beer bottles on the table crying and smelling like beer stank. There on the table was a picture of my mom meeting and kissing another man in public. That man turned out to be in fact my uncle, my dad's younger brother. He told me he hired a private detective to investigate my mom, under the suspicion of her having an affair and to his dismay, he was right. My dad said he had a huge fight with my mom earlier and that even though he was going broke and getting cut off at work. He agreed to my mom that they were getting a divorce.
A week after that, mom moved in with Uncle Sean and dad sold our house and staying at a place that goes by rent 200$ a month. So in order to sustain my family, I've quit school to work during the day and decided to go to adult school and go to some community college afterwards when things are less crazy. I've lost touch with my friends from school, except I always communicated with Shawn. I cried so much everynight that week and i was so grateful that Shawn was with me through it all. I was an only child and was used to the loneliness it comes being an only child. But this was unbearable and kept wishing for a sibling like how i use to wish for one on Christmas to Santa.
It was an awful long terrible job at some shady office near the industrial area from 7am to 3pm where I'd get screamed at for not being fast enough. I was lucky it was two blocks away from my house and the cafe was downstairs from our rent apartment walking distance. I thought this should all be convenient! I was 17 at this time and they needed people desperately. I was immediately hired when they saw that I've quit school to work at the company. My afterschool job at the cafe wasn't enough to sustain me and my dad for rent and the other bills. The heater and the AC was broken and we had plumbing problems, including our beat up old fridge was failing on us and worked once a while. The only thing that worked, thank God, was our stove and oven. I was working as a stressed out executive assistant and I still get screamed when I bring in my on the edge employer's coffee. I cried every day and wished I wasn't alive for this. This was going on for a good three months. Once my day shift is done I immediately go to my night job from 5 to 9 at the cafe. At least that provided me relief from all the craziness. I didn't get to see Shawn as much, but he visits me during my calm and laid back shift at the cafe. He got a job at our local ice cream place.
We barely had time to go there, but he brings me a small slice of blizzard ice cream cake with a cookie on top.
It was his birthday and i wanted a vacation, so when I asked for one. My boss was like "No you cannot have a day off! Your priority is with us the company, you haven't worked here not even 3 years yet! If you cannot be for us today, you might as well not be with us at all." And with that i get a pink slip, a box of all my desk stuff and me getting out of the building in tears.
While walking with my tears, office box and, honestly my shattered soul, I heard whispers nearby.
"Omg, it's Kaine...she's so slutty, apparently she's a 'hard worker'"
" 'Hard worker' meaning prostitute now?"
" yeah, apparently her mom got drunk and died that she goes prostitution now"
I walk faster and just let the voices of my ex-so-called-friends drown out of my mind, and scramble even faster to my house, hoping they will not call out to me.
I thought everything will be alright once I reached to my place to get changed. Even though I got fired from my crappy job, at least I get to see Shawn and the world is still a better place. I texted him that I will be coming to his place soon to celebrate his birthday. I make it to his place wearing my most risque dress with a racy cleavage that I was able to be blessed upon. And a thong... for him. When i made it to his place i was so embarrassed i was clearly overdressed because he was already outside of his apartment building in casual clothing while i thought we were gonna go out for dinner. "Where are we going?" "To the movies, but first we're gonna pick up the birthday cake" "but i alrea-" i even baked him a double fudge chocolate cake for his birthday, his favorite "thanks babe for the cake, but this is ICE CREAM CAKE, the bomb!" He cuts me off. Shawn has gotten a lot more open and happier since I first saw him. He started going to Raves with his coworkers, leaving me home talking, well more shouting on the phone with him. So our first stop, we went to his work, the ice cream shop. "ONE BIG PARTY ICE CREAM CAKE FIESTA PLEASE" said Shawn to a girl working. "Okay, Shaw-shaw, I'm comin'" "That's Jenna, she is our ice cream cake chef".
"Hi! I'm Kaine his girlfriend!"
"Girlfriend? Shaw! You're full of surprises, you never said you had a girlfriend before." " hey, i'm not ugly and it's my birthday." "So, one Party fiesta for the birthday boy". He paid 17 dollars to Jenna and she left to the back. "How come you never said you were taken?" " babe, i always worked. I work hard. We don't really talk anyway" "Shaw-Shaw?"
"Our boss gave us nicknames to still seem young and hip even though he's 47. Glad they let you off today for once." "About that, i ended up getting fired." "Oh so sorry in hearing that well we ca-" " here's your cake! Happy Birthday Shawn!" She says with her perfect smile with her perfect pearly whites that were perfectly straight. A straight stick like her ass. When we got out of the shop he starts pigging out on his cake and puts some on my nose. I haven't seen him so playful and actually smiling. He's like a totally different person. As much as I wanted to laugh, i couldn't help but had an empty feeling. A great distance that I secretly feared of between me and Shawn back in there.
I was job hunting the next day and having brunch with a stray black cat. I decided to call him Oreo because of his one white stripe around his neck making him look like an oreo cookie.
Last night was awkward. Throughout the entire movie he never looked at me once and just kept watching the movie. He kept saying the ice cream cake that Jenna made was reaaaaally good. That brought my mood down, and when we were getting down and dirty at his place he did it quickly and never paid any attention to the cake I've baked for him. He opted for me to stay and sleep and cuddle with him but i volunteered to leave... i just.. wasn't feeling it for some reason. I told him happy birtday Shaw-shaw. But he immediately closed the door the minute i left.
So here i was spending my saturday job hunting and sobbing over everyone's social media. I even checked my fake friend's account and saw that their lives were wonderful. After filling out application form and sending out 100 cvs to 100 different places. I head out to do some grocery shopping since we ran out of milk and bread.
I'm glad that dad got better and is eating and he goes with his pals. As sad dad was, his friends celebrated his divorce as his newfound singlehood. Middle age dad single and ready to mingle. I go out and drive pass by my boyfriend's job. He was supposed to work around this time in the afternoon. I am pretty sure it was just me being weirded out from the whole getting fired incident. I'll explain that i wasn't being myself yesterday. That's funny, they said he was on break and went home.
I really wanted to see him. I felt embarrassed for being there for nothing.
"She kinda smells...."
I immediately turn around. I see Katie, my rival, my ex-friend, my frenemy who also liked Shawn. I see Katie talking with her snobbier looking friend beside her having a milkshake.
"Looks like someone is turning out to be a downer... the bad ending...when Shawn of the 9th grade should've picked me"
"Shawn's waste of time" cooed her friend in the wide
"Fyi, we are still boyfriend and girlfriend" or am I?
"*smirk* whatever" Katie said, desperately trying to prove something.
"Loser" said Katie's assistant of a friend in addition.
I try to walk out of there as fast as i can
"By the way, your outfit totally screams desperate ho" and her and her friend laughed at me. I wanted to burst in to tears.
With the divorce that my parents are going through right now, getting fired from my terrible day job that under pays, the no friend life and just a bunch of mean girls,
I discover the one person that i thought was my safety net.... was the worst of all...
I hurriedly and desperately seeked for Shawn as I come to visit his place.
The front door was open and i heard moaning noises. I walked cautiously in his appartment to only find him getting it on with his co-worker, Jenna the ice cream cake girl. And they were smearing ice cream and licking it off of each others' bodies.
I was in such shock. Then Shawn looked at me. I left for the door. He didn't even came after me, i personally didnt want him to. I checked on my phone and there it was a text from Shawn saying:
"I'm so sorry"
So...i broke things off with him. Yep. Over text message, can't get lower than that. I didn't want to talk to nobody. I cried so bad that my dad offered me some ice cream cake. I hogged all the goodness to my mouth, there is no way i am letting some stupid boy that i loved and wasted 2 years of my life having me boycott ice cream. I asked my dad if i could drink, he was like you're 18 sure! But i was like I'm still 17. I drank all my sorrows away.
I cried myself to sleep that night, going numb, like I was slowly becoming a statue.
Just Like that I couldn't breathe.
